green eyed glare

yearly update

Wed, 30 May 2007 02:56:02 GMT

hi everyone.

it's been a long time. i'm still alive. still married. still love morrissey.

just wanted to let ya'll know.

new leaf turned over? check...

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 17:05:29 GMT

calling all people:

i am enlisting the help of complete strangers and/or friends to help me with a little project that i've begun.

i would like to interview you. about love.

if anyone is interested, please reply here.

thank you.

oh yeah... and i totally got married. hahahahahaha.....

why? why not?

Mon, 24 Jan 2005 04:13:26 GMT

why is it i'm the one who gets to feel all manic about this bullshit.

and i'm not even the one who has anything to prove. and why don't i trust anybody? well....i do trust them, and then 4 minutes later i turn around and it is as if the whole landscape has disappeared before my eyes and is replaced with something unfamiliar. something that leaves me ill at ease in an (of course) inexplicable way. if i turn around again, it will be as it was. normal. placid. trustworthy.

now this begs the question....which one is my imagination? where am i getting these things from? do i have no right to trust my own instinct, even when it has saved my life? or do i have only an obligation to follow my own instincts, reality be damned. there is a grey in between. i know there is.

why is it i resent people for being happy sometimes? this was far more pronounced when i was much younger...but now...i have these flashes of it. and i feel so ashamed.

i look forward to the remnants of this working its way out of my skull. i have had e-fucking-nough. i'd like to be able to sit down and do homework and not wonder. and not wonder about what may or may not be. i have no reason not to trust them. but no reason to trust them either? ah fuck.

i swoop in. write 4 lines. and then i will not be here again for a while. i do this to put these thoughts into emotional magnetic poetry. i just hope that if i rearrange it, it will all make some fucking sense.

oh....and by the way....i'm totally fine. things are actually really good. i'm just a presumptuous asshole. and it's really inconsequential. well....not really.....see? i have the whole conversation in my head, so i don't even bother sharing what i'm thinking. and then i do...and then...ah fuck. ok. yeah.

you blow it tonight, girl, and it's keggers with kids all next year...

Tue, 03 Feb 2004 15:53:16 GMT

good morning.

i think i'm getting sick. i coughed up something undescribable this morning, and it kinda hurt. i'll blame d. after all, i saw him last week and he was sick, and now i'm sick.

tonight, i'm going to the sex worker's art show. i'm so incredibly excited! i talked to kemp, and he's going to let me set up a planned parenthood table about the march on washington in april. i'm so excited. and i'll get to meet some absolutely incredible people tonight, and hopefully see some good burlesque. i haven't seen any good burlesque since the southern girls convention in 2002. but that was some really good burlesque. amateurs, which made it better in my mind. but there will be authors, performance artists, musicians, poets, etc...i am very excited.

and then tommorow i am going to the forsyth county health department at 8:30am to teach a bunch of old people about emergency contraception. i will be making a speech to a bunch of health educators (mostly having achieved their masters degrees) or the clinical staff (RN's, NP's, PA's, etc...) about how the morning after pill works, and how it is not a substitute for actual birth control, and how it doesn't give little girls license to go out there and be promiscuous, and how it is NOT the abortion pill, etc...i have been told that sometimes they can be a little pit of vipers. wish me luck. i think i can take it.

i need a change. i was thinking of starting with my hair. small, but somehow it works sometimes. but i really don't know what to do. it's so short that i can't really do anything cut-wise except shave it off or cut it into a mullet (that is pronounced 'mul-lay...french-like. it's a female mullet, or a femullet, if you will.) i bought some hair dye last night that i think is darker than anything i've ever done before, but not black. it is still just deep auburn. but now i'm being a pansy. anyone got any suggestions?

i'm also thinking about getting a tattoo. i don't want to tell you now what it is, because i think you'd laugh at me. but it's something i've been thinking about since i was 17, and i'm almost 25 now, and it still sounds like a good idea to me. that's about as permanent as i can get now.

what's the MOST romantic thing you've ever done for someone on valentines day, or had done for you? i need to do something EXTRA special for d this year, because of what he's put up with from me for the last 4 months. the parameters are as follows:

1. it cannot involve a lot of money. that's something i just don't have right now.
2. he will have just gotten back from tour, so he will be pretty tired, and not want something that involves a lot of physical activity, except for sex.
3. something that does depend solely on being outdoors...it's february, and it's been snowing and raining here, and he's from florida, so he's sensitive.

he did tell me that in nebraska, it was negative 10 degrees last night. it was so cold that the windows of the van were icing up on the inside. wow.

ok, i have to go now. lost in translation just went on sale today, and i have to get my sleepy ass over to target to buy it right now!

Fri, 16 Jan 2004 04:27:25 GMT

some say atlanta....some say new york.....

Tue, 13 Jan 2004 18:28:50 GMT

i accidently slept today until 12:10pm. i fell asleep on my couch last night next to josh watching hedwig and the angry inch (incidentally one of my most favorite movies...wow...) at 1am, and i still slept almost 11 hours. my body must be starved for something. sleep most probably.

giving people you care about the grande blowe offe (i think if i add -e's to the end it sounds more official, or maybe just more old worlde...or something) is hard. but at least it's a decision i'm making. which feels good.

i think i need to learn to embrace my inner bitch. and my inner fag. which are really one in the same, i think. one of my new years resolutions was to be meaner. people already seem to think i'm a mean person. so why not give them something that backs all of that up?

i should go to atlanta soon. there are lots of people i would like to see there.

palagic show tommorow night. anyone wanna come?

Mon, 12 Jan 2004 15:18:58 GMT

you know those days where realization hits you over the head like a ton of bricks? and do you know the feeling of disappointment when you realize that someone you had a lot of faith in cannot possibly give you anything closely resembling what you need? and the painful part about it is that they don't even want to try? or worse...if they are trying, but it does no good, because they are not even speaking your language? you feel like a push me-pull you. going nowhere.

yeah.

i need to find a better hobby. crying in my cereal is getting old. maybe i'll take up cross country making out. i'm in shape for that, that's for sure.

oh, my band is playing a show on wednesday at ace's basement. so if you are in the g-spot and wanna go, you should go. people who are coming to see us can get in for free!

please is bruno jones!

Thu, 08 Jan 2004 15:41:49 GMT

that was a subject line of some spam email that H got at work the other day. we liked it so much, that is the new title of our album. which will be released one day. i don't know when.

it is about 15 degrees outside. they keep saying it is going to flurry tonight. i really love snow. and it hasn't done nearly enough of that this winter. this winter has just been blah. i feel like it is dark all of the fucking time. i go to work, and the sun is creeping over the trees. and then i leave work and it is dark outside. i think i would be more ok with the winter if it would snow just a few times. then maybe all of the cold would feel justified.

ok...again with the npr addiction...on "the connection" (10:00am-12:00pm weekdays) there was a show on the topic of "exploring the ethics of an eternally youthful population." apparently there's some magic doctor at Harvard who is working on a pill to slow the aging process. sounds like something out of a science fiction novel. but then, what would slowing aging do to the planet? aging is a very important part of the relationship we have with our environment. it makes me wary of getting involved in the health care industry, because it seems to profit on extending life, is it to our detriment? there seems to be this push on profiting off of the fears of the aging. but in so many ways so many industries profit off of the fear of our population. i think i'm going to live in a box.

speaking of profiting off fear, i have to go so i can do a pregnancy test for a patient.

long time, lots of thinking....

Wed, 07 Jan 2004 18:00:42 GMT

ok...so i started taking adderall about 4 months ago, and let me tell you....i don't sleep much anymore. i also have (as some of you may know) a severe NPR addiction. today they interviewed Tobias Wolfe. and the conversation made me think about a lot of things. we form our identities when we are teenagers. we form them on half-truths and ill perceptions. and we carry this identity for the rest of our lives. does this make our existence or our experience of our existence any less real?

sorry...this drug really speeds up my mind, so i feel like i'm moving in half time...i've had a shitty winter. long story.

maybe i'll blog more. i seem to have more to say.

go figure...

Sat, 15 Nov 2003 23:15:12 GMT

Say Anything...

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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it's been a long time...

Sat, 15 Nov 2003 23:06:56 GMT

hi everyone.

i'm still alive. i've been in a cave, but i'm still alive. just got over being sick, which was a lot of fun...except not at all. d is on tour now, and he will be back in 9 days. i can't wait.

have you seen lost in translation yet? no? why are you wasting your life at this computer. go see that movie. you'll thank me. and yourself.

i don't have much to say, really. i just wanted to at least say hi. i guess kate has decided to stay in atlanta. i'm proud of you.

besitos.

Tue, 05 Aug 2003 21:12:34 GMT

i'm in italy. it's beautiful. the food is unstoppable.

i'm going to go now to see more of rome.

love everyone.

Sat, 02 Aug 2003 14:32:20 GMT

You know what Hardcore is! Go start a band and show
everyone else how it's done.

Do You Know Hardcore?
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i'm leaving for 2 weeks in europe tommorow. i hate flying. but i love traveling. i'll be in rome for lunch on monday. holy shit.

perhaps i'll be able to update a little from the other side.

anyone have any advice for a clastrophobe who is making her first transatlantic flight?

anyone know where i can get some xanax before i leave?

planned parenthood, this is catie, can i help you?

Sat, 19 Jul 2003 14:52:50 GMT

i answered my phone at home saying that the other day. i think i spend a little too much time at work.

i had a whirlwhind of strange dreams last night. a lot of running around and seeing people it was strange to see.

if anyone is in the chapel hill area, my band is playing there on tuesday, at GO!. if you wanna pay $5 and see me play rock and roll, that would be cool. anyone who comes will get a big hug from me, legs wrapped around your waist and all.

i'm going to europe in 2 weeks. i can't believe it.

and i'm going to see bjork play in a month. i can't believe it.

i don't know how often other people say this, but i am a very lucky girl. i just think that to myself a lot.

no more words in my head. must go to sleep.

i've been well for so long now

Wed, 09 Jul 2003 15:19:12 GMT

wednesday morning. i'm watching reruns of ER. listening to 3 of our NEWLY RECORDED SONGS!! pretty exciting. we only have 6 more to mix. holy god.

i don't have to be at work today until 1pm. that's pretty cool. but i have to be there until 9pm. i have the herpes support group to moderate tonight. and then i have to come home and paint the bathroom. devender comes home tommorow. it's about damn time. it will be good. we got to the house, and i've lost all inspiration for unpacking. i probably could at this point, but i don't feel like it. i also know that if i unpack stuff, and he doesn't like where it is, he'll move it. he's much better with spacial relations than i am. what i mean by that is he doesn't mind moving heavy shit often in order to get it to the right place. me...not so much. but it's ok.

i've been recently missing acting, for some reason. i think it's because i've been reading 'harry potter and the order of the phoenix' out loud to mark. it sounds stupid, but being that many characters when you're reading out loud is a challenge. one must be able to differentiate. if not, it becomes boring to listen to. i hope laurah becomes a world famous film director soon so i can be in some movies. if not, i may have to resort to dinner theatre. laurah, save me from a life of brigadoon and oklahoma!

my clinician at work, anna, left on monday for seattle. she's moving there. monday was her last day. we took her out to dinner afterwards. ginger (my roommate) is one of the most fun people i have met in a long time. we ended up paying a waiter $15 to eat pats of butter. very strange night. but a lot of fun. and anna gave ME a present, even though she's the one leaving. she gave me a lonely planet guide to western europe, and a disposable digital camera, and a book called 'satisfaction: a guide to the female orgasm.' we gave her a lonely planet guide to the pacific northwest, a waterproof map of seattle (very necessary), 'lovely bones' on tape for the drive, and a copy of one of my all time favorite books, 'sex for one: the joy of selfloving' by betty dodson.

there's another thing that happened to me that i've yet to relate to this journal. i fucking met nina hartley. one of my heroes. she's so amazing. she' gave me her email address. i love her so much. but she is good friends with betty dodson. i want to meet this woman. a dream came true. i purchased one of her dvd's, and she autographed it for me. absolutely amazing. still unable to speak in full sentences about the event.

by the way, i'm leaving for europe in 25 days, 6 hrs, 55 minutes. my cell phone has a feature where you can keep a countdown. oh sweet technology.

need to bathe before getting to work. hopefully the package that we ordered from bettydodson.com came to the clinic today. keep your fingers crossed. i want my attachments for my hitachi magic wand!!

light the fuse and run!

Sat, 05 Jul 2003 00:11:56 GMT

i got my cast off yesterday. so now i'm back to typing normal! yay!!

i also got my first look at my incision yesterday. fucking nasty. there are stitches in it. i get those removed next thursday. which, coincidently is the day devender gets back from tour!! i'm very excited about that. not so excited about the stitches.

so digital cable will be the death of me. i've done nothing all day but sit on the couch with mark and watch movies.

i've been craving birthday cake all day too. does anyone have any birthday cake they'd like to share?

college hill is having its annual 4th of july show/drunkfest. i will, of course, partake, but i do have to work at nineofuckingclock. i'm still going to drink tonight. i will have to suck it up for 4 hours tommorow. it will be ok.

hope everyone elses 4th of july involves more outdoors than mine. mine would involve more outdoors if it didn't fall in july. i hate the heat.

o sweet vicodin

Mon, 30 Jun 2003 14:02:57 GMT

ok...short entry...

surgery ok. chickenpecking: no fun. vicodin: best friend/worst enemy. right hand: on vacation. left hand: working overtime. worst thing about general anesthesia: uncontrollable crying and shaking for a few hours afterwards. best thing about general: it tickles.

worst thing about recovery: vicodin makes me a blubbering mess when i have to take 2 at a time every 4 hours.

best thing about recovery: getting to make up new stories when strangers ask me what happened.

sorry jared: no bone blade.

sorry laurah about the dentist thing. i have just about as many...i can relate. i hate dentists.

ok...back to work. can't write. can't draw blood. can't give shots. so..get paid to give orders. yay.

in 2 days time....

Mon, 23 Jun 2003 03:11:50 GMT

i won't be writing too much right now. the new harry potter book came out yesterday, and i'm only halfway through it. it's amazing.

i really hope i don't have to wait another 3 years for the next one to come out.

2 more days. until sawing open of the hand.

no, jared, no bone blade.

also, 2 more days until i'm out of this motherfucking house forever. i can't wait. i hate this goddamn place.

so i will be recovering in style. in my new pad. with digital cable.

oh yeah.

i'm kinda scared.

d day is set

Wed, 18 Jun 2003 17:55:44 GMT

man, next tuesday at 1:30pm.

they are going to slice open my hand, and have (not a ganglion cyst, as everyone had told me) but a BONE THAT FUSED IMPROPERLY (some kind of arthritis side effect, no idea what...) is going to be shaved off. holy fucking shit.

i'm wigging. i thought they were just going to take out some cyst that shouldn't have been there....but NO! they're fucking shaving bone. it will take them an hour.

oh my god.

eww.

the more you love a memory, the stronger and stranger it is...

Mon, 16 Jun 2003 15:25:29 GMT

this weekend was an interesting weekend. phil was here from thursday to sunday, and it's always strange spending that much time around someone you don't usually spend that much time around. it was nice. phil is a very low-key kid, except when you get him out in public. anyways...good times. we went a show on saturday night, and man, it was like watching a trainwreck. you can see it coming, you don't want it to happen, but if the wreck will alter the course of the train, then maybe it's a good thing.

so, laurah dying her hair has given me a tad bit of inspiration. i think it's time to say goodbye to the blonde in my hair. i think i'm going to try to go all auburn red. maybe shorten up the front a bit, too. any suggestions would be great.

so again, at work, not working. my boss is still on vacation. but bri really did everything on saturday, so there isn't too much to do. except sit here and think about how long i've fucking been awake. (since 5am.) i had a smoothie (7:45am), and now i'm starving. (11am.)

i'm going for my surgical consult on wednesday. so it's not definate that i'm going to have surgery the following week, but if i can't do it that week, then i will have to wait until september. i'm going to europe in august, and i'll be damned if i'm going to have a sick hand when i go.

i think we take for granted the little things our hands do. for instance, i won't be able to masturbate for a few weeks. i don't know if i will be able to survive. sometimes i feel like a 14 year old boy.

but it's the little things about the whole situation that freak me out. i hate vomiting. now, i know nobody likes throwing up, but i absolutely hate it. i will fight vomit for hours, knowing that if i would just throw up, i would feel so much better. but i fucking hate it. and i keep hearing that i'll probably puke when i come out of being knocked out. ugh.

oh, but my hand will work better.

as much as i hate dealing with insurance companies as a part of my job, i'm so glad to have health insurance. i know how lucky i am. i know that i'm going to be able to take care of this minor problem now that could seriously impair my movement in the future rather than suffer with it my whole life. i see people here every day who are forced to suffer through health ailments that would so easily be taken care of, if they could afford it. i'm all about single-payer health insurance.

i think if i ever lose my insurance, i'm going to move to canada.

at least the weather would be better.

you need to see a....dah dah dah.....surgeon.

Wed, 11 Jun 2003 16:33:53 GMT

yesterday, i went to see my incredibly geeky doctor. first of all, i think h is right. if i am going to see a doctor, i wanna see a dork. i want to see the doctor that did nothing but study because s/he couldn't get a date. i want someone dedicated in life to care for my health because that's all they have in their life. i have this knot on the top of my hand, and it has been getting bigger in the last week. well, now 3 of my tendons are getting caught on it whenever i move my hand to do anything. and it hurts. it wasn't incredibly painful at first, but each time the tendon pops over the knot, it hurts a little more. and it's been doing this for a week. so i went to see my geek dr, and he said, "oh, well, let me just go schedule an appointment with a surgeon for you." WHAT?!? how could those words escape your lips so nonchalantly?? i mean, it's not like the surgery is going to be complicated, but i have never had surgery before. i've never had stitches. i've never even done anything other than sprain my ankle!! so...this sucks. and it sucks more for many other reasons. one: palagic is recording on the 21st, and they wanted me to have surgery on the 18th. if i had surgery and couldn't record, h would kill me. b: i have to move. and i have to get this surgery. and the day i am probably going to have this done is the day i wanted to move. i have the best friends/family ever. when i told mark what was going on, he said not to worry about it, and that it would be taken care of. my parents said the same thing. i feel bad about leaving this for others to do, but i have to do this. i have great friends.

oh, and all of this is means that, yes, i have a house to move into. i am moving into the most kick ass house in greensboro. it's the fucking best. i can't believe this is my house. i have painted my room in the last few days (which hasn't been good for my hand, my father was quick to point out. this advice coming from a man who sliced his thumb to the bone, duct taped it back together and kept working. thanks papa.)

my friend phil is coming to visit this weekend. i'm very excited about seeing him. the last few times i've seen him have been kinda weird. not because of him at all. i absolutely adore him. i had been close with the rest of his band, and then some weird stuff went down, and things haven't been the same. so...i'm very excited about getting to spend time with just him.

i'm feeling a little hung over today too. too much stonehaven last night. but worth every minute of it.

i suppose i should be working right now. i just had my yearly evaluation on monday, and she said that i needed work on using my time effectively and staying on task. i can't possibly imagine what she's talking about.

when you are running, does the world stand still?

Sat, 07 Jun 2003 15:16:52 GMT

i'll tell you something. being in a mild state of fucked-up-ed-ness + couch = a lot of weird shit. let me explain. thursday, devender left for tour (35 days...so if anyone wants to call or stop by, please do...i'm pretty lonely, since the rest of my roomies moved out and i don't know where i'm living yet....less than 24 hours until i know!!) thursday felt like it was such a long day, and it ended with me on a couch with my best friend talking about time as a four dimensional existence with relation to light speed...i think...i was really tired. and then i fell asleep, only to wake up to my dog scratching (damn fleas!) and her collar sounds like a bell. it's the 6am bell....saying "hey, mom, can you please cook me breakfast and let me outside, lest i soil your floor?" what a considerate little girl i have. but i never quite actually woke up all day. i stumbled through work, with my patients all asking me, "oh my god, are you ok?" did i really look that bad? all i really needed was a nap. which i could not for the life of me take when i got home. i just couldn't go to sleep. so i watched sliding doors instead, which was good. it's been suggested to me so much, i finally watched it. and then, i think i lost my mind. i haven't spent much time alone in the last 6 years. and when i do, i don't always do it so well. so i met ginger at walgreens and bought lots of tic tac's. orange tic tac's taste like home. then we went back to her house, watched tv, enjoyed substances, made pizzas, spilled pizza's on the couch, laughed a lot, whilst i had macrame'd myself into her couch. after watching the weirdest episode of south park, i went home and curled up in bed with my dog, and fell asleep. i did not wake up until linda wertheimer had been talking to me for 2 hours. i sat up and looked at the clock and it was 9:40. fuck. i'm 40 minutes late for work. this is where i write from, and i have not done a single thing since i got here. i had images of patients lined up outside of the door, with torches and pitchforks, very angry that i wasn't here yet. but it's a rainy saturday morning, so everyone except me is in bed.

i hope that everyone is having a good day. car talk is on, and it's one of my favorites. i am addicted to npr. i probably listen to it about 50 hours a week. "you've gotta fix this, bub, or you're gonna die!" --tom magliosi.

Sat, 31 May 2003 14:22:25 GMT

it's 10:22am and i am at work today. it's been a long morning. for some reason i woke up this morning at 6:30am...and didn't really go back to sleep. more dozing than anything else. so, since i couldn't do anything else, i got up at 7:30 and went to the curbside market. first stop, a cup of coffee. then i was free to wander around by myself. never underestimate the power of a few hours to yourself. it's rejuvenating. i'm just filled with this sense of anxiety right now. and it will not be settled until i know where i will be living. i'm scared to leave my future in the hands of this landlord that has been known to change his mind at the drop of a hat. but it's the best chance we've got. i think that today i am going to try to find how many people i know who are using this thing. maybe i can keep better contact with friends from my past.

Fri, 23 May 2003 18:49:08 GMT

my first entry. thank you laurah. now i just want to find everyone else on this thing. i'm going to my mom's surprise birthday party today. later.

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